Romance Yourself
Dear Me, will you be my Valentine? Today and every day until death us do part? I would love you so very much…
This year I think it’s time for a different take on the month of love, Valentine’s Day and all that commercial hype that encourages us to make a proper spectacle of love. We spend so much of our time focusing on finding someone to love, or waiting for someone to love us, that many of us never stop to think about the one person we need to love first: ourselves. Perhaps society has taught us that loving ourselves equates vanity, narcissism, egotism, or even arrogance.
Yet, how can you expect to love anyone else if you can’t start with appreciating your own self-worth and being kind to yourself? Brené Brown, American research professor and acclaimed author of **The Gifts of Imperfection**, explains: “Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.”
Struggling with her own sense of self-worth, Brown decided to do what she does best and research the things that plagued her most: vulnerability, courage, worthiness, and shame. In an interview with Oprah, Brown explains: “Of all the thousands of people I've interviewed and studied over the years – looking for patterns in the data – only about 15 to 20 % were folks living with their whole hearts, folks who were really all in when it came to their relationships.
“When I examined my research, I discovered that these were people who deeply believed that they were worthy of love and belonging. These folks believed this regardless of the circumstances, unlike the majority of us who think: ‘Okay, I'm worthy of love and belonging a little bit, but I'll be super worthy if I get promoted. Or I'll be super worthy if I lose 20 pounds.’ These folks believed that they were loveable and that they had a place in the world, and those beliefs translated into specific choices they made every day. They were aware. They recognised shame, and they knew how to deal with it. They recognised vulnerability, and they were willing to feel it – rather than ignore or numb it.”
Brown – like so many life coaches, mentors, psychologists and the plethora of self-help books out there – suggests that there are practical changes you can make in your life which encourage a deeper, more loving sense of wholeheartedness for yourself. Most often, you’ll get whacked with a long list – or pages upon pages – of changes you can make, things to do, and things not to do.
Perhaps the reason the other 80 to 85 % of people struggle to love themselves is because there’s just too many changes to make, which can be overwhelming, rather than encouraging. So if you are going to dedicate this month of love to yourself, I’d suggest starting with just three gentle steps:
Be Kind to Yourself
How harsh are you when you make a mistake, do something “stupid”, fail or embarrass yourself? We tend to treat others the way we treat ourselves, which can be pretty eye-opening when we realise we’re most often unforgiving towards our own failures.
Learning to accept yourself – shortcomings and all – means focusing on your strengths and admirable qualities. Appreciate your values and the things you do that make you happy. Allow yourself to have faults and forgive yourself more willingly.
Corporate Consciousness Coach Kumi Sooku says: “When we understand that we cannot look outside ourselves for happiness and that change happens from within, we are better able to set our sails to follow the sun.” Ok, so maybe you don’t want to follow the sun, but if you are to love yourself, the only place to start is from within yourself.
Be Grateful
Gratitude is probably the most powerful lesson I have learnt in my own short 34 years. It is the single most transformative attitude that has the ability to change the perception of a negative state into the complete opposite, and suddenly the world doesn’t seem so dark.
Rhonda Byrne, author of **The Magic**, captures this simply: “When you’re grateful for the things you have, no matter how small they may be, you will see those things instantly increase.” Choosing to be grateful for everything you are is like having an instant makeover. The trick is that it requires daily practice to maintain that makeover towards a more loving you.
Breathe
Loving yourself means allowing yourself to become calm. Brown suggests letting go and accepting that exhaustion doesn’t have to be a status symbol in your life. Indeed, calmness isn’t something that only a few hippy souls have within them. Being calm means feeling connected, confident and in control of yourself throughout the day.
We all have the ability to be calm; chances are you’re just too stressed out to remember how. Start by letting go and turning your focus to your breathing. Do this when you are feeling good, when you are driving, or working on a task. Don’t wait for a stressful situation to come along. If you consciously focus on relaxing your breathing throughout the day, you will be able to maintain your sense of calm in stressful situations.
These three steps may seem small, but small things put into practice can make a big difference to your sense of self-love and worth. The search for love should end with finding yourself.
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